Monday, May 21, 2018

Ombis: Alien Invasion (2013)

aka Not Human
If you watch this (and you shouldn't), you'll find yourself thinking of films that did the same thing, only better, including "The Blob." A meteor hits a dying rural town and turns people into green slime monsters. then there's a visit from a space algae cowboy (not as interesting as that sounds), who seems to be in control of it. It's up to the townsfolk to fight back. Made for a reported $32000, none of it went to professional actors; almost everyone's performance is painful to watch. The special effects are quite bad. The dialogue is stilted enough for occasional chuckles.

Sunday, May 20, 2018

Tourist Ömer in Star Trek (1973)

aka Turkish Star Trek, aka Omar the Tourist in Star Trek
Unlike most Turkish remakes, this is a fairly faithful recreation of the "Man Trap" episode of the U.S. TV series "Star Trek," with some other episodes sandwiched in - there's a Gorn, for example. I'm told Ömer Turist was a popular character in Turkish film and that this film isn't typical of his work either. It's impossible to know whether the intentional humor works or not, as it's not subtitled (yet). The Enterprise picks up a Turkish hitch-hiker, who plays "fish out of water" while a plot familiar to Americans unfolds. It's not terrible.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

Nude Nuns with Big Guns (2010)

The tradition of great titles for mediocre films continues. A bus full of nuns smuggling coke gets stopped by a biker gang who then forces the nuns into prostitution. One hears the voice of god telling her to get revenge, which she does. There's three rape scenes. There's maybe a hundred breasts. There's a lot of gunfire, but little acting, direction or script. There's a lot of annoying title cards. This is like a low budget version of "Grindhouse" by people who have not watched a lot of actual grindhouse films.

Friday, May 18, 2018

Not Cool (2014)

aka Shane Dawson Movie
Well, at least this film fails in a somewhat original way. A YouTube celebrity (who I have the barest recollection of) was one of two people to make a film from the same script; it's about relationships at the turn from high school to college. This one decided to add: anonymous oral sex in a restroom, vomiting in someone's face, drinking urine and eating feces (two different scenes) and whatever other gross-outs they could muster among extreme over-the-top overacting. None of the humor works, perhaps because the medium is too different in format from YouTube, perhaps because it simply sucks. Which it does.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

No Holds Barred (1989)

This was the first film produced by Vince McMahon and WWE (then WWF) and was meant to launch Hulk Hogan as a film star. "Rocky III" remains his best work. In this, he plays a wrestler pulled out of retirement to fight in a league where, as the title says, no holds are barred. The current champion is played by Tiny Lister. Jesse Ventura and a number of other wrestlers make appearances, as does David Paymer, who was definitely slumming. The bad guys are cartoonishly bad, the good guys cartoonishly good, Hogan emotes oddly and the fight scenes are uninteresting. It's silly and not good, but it's nowhere near the worst film Hogan's made.

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

No Blood, No Surrender (186)

The people who have trashed this film seem to have missed the fact that it's a parody. It's a Filipino version of "Rambo" - there are others - starring the least brawny leading man possible, and I'm including Weng Weng. Speaking of Weng Weng, this film's star, Palito, also did a James Bond spoof, which I can't find a copy of. "Samson" is subjected to bullying that seems inspired by the Three Stooges, until he can't take it any more and fights back. The humor comes from seeing toughs getting beaten by a small skinny guy (plus things like his character being named "Samson"). Action star Fernando Poe makes a cameo. Humor doesn't translate well, but this is not so-bad-it's-good.

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Ninja Apocalypse (2014)

Cheap rip-off of "The Warriors." There's four ninja groups, one's leader gets killed, someone gets framed for it... and then there's zombies and people have superpowers and a bunch of random nonsense happens between fights. It's shot well (for once), but it's dull for long stretches.