Saturday, March 17, 2018

Eaten Alive: A Tasteful Revenge (1999)

Okay, we've hit bottom on this blog. This video is extremely rare and deservedly unseen. Debbie D (who is in a few real oddities) stars as a woman who gets passed over for promotion at her company, so she takes a shrink ray developed in the company's lab (they make cosmetics - no, don't bother trying to reason this out) and uses it to shrink her competition to bite size and eats her. The effect is the cheesiest green screen. She then eats her boss, then... well, it gets repetitive quickly. You could make this film yourself and do it better. There's a rumor that the company behind this would film any script given them for a fee, which explains some of the poor quality.

Friday, March 16, 2018

Duck! The Carbine High Massacre (1999)

This film's difficult to categorize, much less review. It's sort of a low-budget satire of the Columbine High School shooting done in very exploitative style, but it seems to be both more than that and less than that at the same time. Two high school students, after bullying, decide to shoot up their school before killing themselves. The lead actors (who also wrote, directed and produced) are pretty good, but the rest of the cast, even despite being stereotypes, are not; Misty Mundae plays Bible Girl and she's the best of the lot. The special effects are rotten, which makes it a little easier to watch. It's sometimes meant to be humorous, but in those parts it fails utterly. When it works, it manages to give some insight into the characters and does so at least as well as Michael Moore or Gus Van Sant did with the same material and much larger budgets. In the end, it's just an unpleasant experience.

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Drug Runners (1988)

Not even available on VHS, this has been available on YouTube. Aldo Ray stars as a Mexican drug kingpin - and that right there will decide whether you want to see the film or not. An undercover agent is sent to stop Ray's organization's selling drugs while at the same time romancing a woman sent undercover to stop his gun running. The film is just endless shootouts, where nothing gets hit unless the script calls for it. It's very predictable, the acting is sometimes over-the-top, lines get flubbed (apparently budget and time didn't allow reshoots) and the film's sets seem stagey.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Droid (1988)

aka Droids

One of the most common comments about a cheaply made film is "It looks like someone edited all the sex out of a porno." Well, that's exactly what this is! The film "Cabaret Sin" and its sequel were spliced together (reportedly via VCR) with all the sex scenes removed, which makes a barely coherent plot even harder to follow. There's a McGuffin called a decoder that is sought by a policeman in the future and there's something about an android revolt and renegade cops, there's also a subplot involving an estranged spouse, but mostly our hero gets distracted by going to clubs and watching strippers and sex shows. The film has some really good props for cheapo science fiction, especially given that it was meant as porn, but the acting is of course porn-level. This has a sizable cult following, some who think it's a classic of good-bad films; I think it's passable.

Monday, March 12, 2018

Double Target (1987)

This film stars Miles O'Keeffe (whose name I've misspelled many times on this blog - so when the credits have misspellings of words like "crew" I have to make allowances), was directed by Bruno Mattei and was shot in the Philippines. It has Donald Pleasance and Bo Svenson (doing a poor Russian accent) in small roles. It's about a U.S. government agent sent to Vietnam on a secret mission and who's going to pick up his long-kidnapped son while at it. It's a Farm Film Report Blowed-Up-Good kind of film. There's the required exploding helicopter. There's rocket launchers destroying villages. There's motorcycle chases. And then there's O'Keeffe fighting a shark - and blowing it up, too. The film actually looks quite good and, despite some clumsy scenes where the star should by all reason get killed, doesn't bog down except when showing Pleasance sitting at a desk, slowly dying.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Double Down (2005)

This is the worst Neil Breen film I've seen so far, which is saying something. And saying something is what Breen does in this film: it's mostly narrated - over-narrated - as he spends most of the film by himself fiddling with a bunch of laptops and satellite dishes, while living in his car and eating tuna out of cans in the middle of the desert Southwest. When there are other people in this vanity project, the dialogue is inane and the acting painful to behold. Breen plays some sort of super spy, a technological genius, a philanthropist guru who happens to be building bioterror weapons for reasons unexplained. The editing is so bad that the plot is impossible to follow, making one lulled into torpor until assaulted by something, like his inevitable naked shot. I found myself comparing this to the latter "Billy Jack" films, and not favorably - weird non-linear self-proclaimed guru nonsense.

I forgot to mention: there's a LOT of stock footage in this film.

Saturday, March 10, 2018

Double Blast (1994)

This film stars Linda Blair as an archaeologist who gets kidnapped (for reasons involving deciphering a stone tablet) and must be rescued by a black belt martial artist and two kids. The bad guys are Robert Z'Dar and Joe Estevez! "Unknown Comic" Murray Langston has a cameo. The kids break up laughing during the poorly choreographed fights. As a solid rule, those who can fight can't act and those who can act can't fight. There was a sort-of sub-genre of children fighting off adults that came out after "Home Alone" and this may be the worst of the lot. It's watchable in small doses - recommended only for fans of the cast.