Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Crowley (1987)




The first film from Uruguay that I've covered, this is truly obscure; it was shot on a home camcorder by a teenager who also stars. It's a standard vampire story, with some very inept technical aspects (for once, the whole film is OVER-lit), an eye gouge, a head crush, a knife to the skull and a bunch of neck bites. The credits were drawn by hand and the music must be from another film. It's not laughably bad by any means, but an attempt at making a serious horror film by someone with no resources. The titular connection to Alaistair Crowley is minimal.

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Crossroads (2002)




Written by Shonda Rhimes, this is a Britney Spears vehicle - hey, it's a road movie, so that's unintentionally appropriate! Brit, with Zoe Saldana and another girl whose name I've already forgotten, make a time capsule to open at high school  graduation, but they've drifted apart since then. Still, they get together and then all decide to drive across the country to California for different reasons - for an audition, to meet a long-lost mother, for... a boyfriend? (really, that third girl is completely forgettable); one of them's pregnant. The music is, of course, Britney, plus "Bowling for Soup" and a couple of others. They pick up a guy who they briefly think might be a psycho before one of them falls in love with him. Britney's not a great actress, the film is contrived and predictable and there's nothing for anyone not a teenage Spears fan, of whom there can't be any anymore. It's better than some other pop-star-trying-to-do-the-Elvis-movie-thing, but nothing remarkable.

Sunday, February 18, 2018

Crocodile Jones: The Son of Indiana Dundee (1990)


Um, this was in untranslated Tagalog, so I can't really review it. It's a satire of both "Crocodile Dundee" and "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" from the Philippines. It looked about Wayans Brothers level parody, but who knows if any of the jokes would work in English? The visual humor didn't work.



Saturday, February 17, 2018

Creep (1995)

aka Tim Ritter's Creep


Hire a porn star wannabe with ridiculous 1980's breast implants, buy (probably rent) a video camera and film a script that tries for every offensive thing it can think of in the guise of a serial killer flick and you get this. There's grave robbing, incest, burning of a papier mache head, a subplot (!) about a female cop whose mother was killed by her father and a lot of dull mayhem. The acting is quite bad (the killer is better than the rest, fortunately) and the director prefers Dutch angles to coherence.

Friday, February 16, 2018

The Country Bears (2002)




Christopher Walken arm-farts the 1812 Overture... that's the highlight of this bizarre surreal children's film that parodies the "Behind the Music" format, which won't mean much to the small children the film is targeting. Queen Latifah, Don Henley, Wyclef Jean, Elton John, Willie Nelson, Bonnie Raitt, Brian Setzer, Don Was (of Was Not Was), Xzibit and John Hiatt perform as themselves - and yet the music is not good! Haley Joel Osment, Diedrich Bader, Brad Garrett and Stephen Root provide the voices of the bear band - in the world of the film, talking bears are a given - and Daryl "Chill" Mitchell and Alex Rocco have roles. The story is of a child that seeks out his favorite retired musicians, to reunite them for a benefit concert to save the music venue that launched them. It's so weird that it should be seen. The musical numbers are entertaining despite themselves.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Cobra vs. Ninja (1987)

aka Cobra Against Ninja


Usually with Godfrey Ho cut-and-paste ninja films, the best scene is at the end, but this one's at the start; it was odd enough to keep me watching. A guy "born a ninja" needs to challenge all other ninjas to show he's the best, so he produces his "ninja challenge card" (I thought he said "cod," which would make as much sense). The accents are all over the place, the plot is impossible to follow, there's a white guy afro worth the price of admission and there's the expected bizarre fight scenes. This is one of the worst of Ho's films, but an easy one to poke fun at.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Clash of the Ninjas (1989)

aka Clash Commando



Still another Godfrey Ho cut-and-splice two films into one job, this one's edits are better than usual; he may have got the original cast(s) to shoot new scenes. This is not "Fatal Needles vs Flying Fists," which is also called "Clash of the Ninjas." In this, the good guy tries to stop an evil corporation that is harvesting people's organs and smuggling them; of, course, it just happens that it's run by a bad ninja that has some personal connections to our hero. A girl in aerobics clothes throws a vinyl record at a ninja and a ninja throws a CD at another, yet there's not much music in the film. There is, however, some great dialogue, such as "Hello big boy - shaving your lovely beard?" and "I like to wrestle through my days." You know the red ninja is a good guy because he wears an American flag headband.  There's laser fingers, head spinning, exploding heads, and a good guy who turns into several people who get massacred and then reassemble. The film is a typical waste of time until the final 20 minute fight scene, which if nothing else, should be fast-forwarded to.